one for the record

OK, so I feel like in trying express myself on here a little more often I should probably post something tonight. Paul is gone for the night and took Kenny and Amelia with him, leaving me home all by my lonesome! Not that I am complaining, but I'm not sure I even remember the last time I was all by myself at home, so it feels a little strange. I keep thinking that Amelia is asleep in her bed and that I need to be quiet, or something like that! So therefore, with my current freedom, I will post a quick note.

I did go to see my Dr on Tuesday, and she decided to induce me on Friday. I really couldn't believe it. She just thinks that with everything that's been going on with my blood pressure, and now with the decelerations in his heart rate, its now looking safer for him to be out than in, especially as my risk for a stroke increases all of the time by bp is so high. So, here I am quite possibly only 2 days from seeing my baby, and I feel a little overwhelmed. It feels a little surreal, because I have imagined her inducing me (it mostly seemed like a good idea in my head) once I reached term, since I have been so miserable the last 2 weeks. But, somehow, as I'm sure most of you moms can understand, I just kind of never felt like it was really going to end and that being induced would never happen, and that I would just have to suffer and wait. In talking to my Dr on Tuesday, I guess I never really absorbed how dangerous it is for both of us when my BP is so high, even though I knew it all already. So now I just feel relieved to know that the end is near and soon we'll get to meet this little guy, and we'll get to move on into the next phase of our lives, cause boy am I ready! It also feels a little strange to know that my baby will be here this weekend, as I didn't know with Amelia and most people don't get to know. I feel a little like I'm cheating on an exam or something!

I also feel a little anxious this time, although to be honest I was anxious last time, too, just for different reasons. I was nervous about the unknown last time, whereas this time I know a little of what is ahead of me. I guess I'm just coming to the full realization of what I'm about to do again, and that is definitely cause for a little apprehension. Having Amelia was a long and really hard labor. There were a lot of things going on and lots of other things that made those few days really difficult both physically and emotionally. I know its the second time around, and that its supposed to be easier, I am just really praying that its true come Friday. I do feel grateful to know that some of those things that I had to deal with last time will be non-issues this time. This time I know my doctor and have a good relationship with her. That's one of the hugest things. Being transferred hospitals and doctors last time was not a good experience, and caused all sorts of issues. But this time I know my Dr and as she is inducing me, she will be there, and that makes me feel grateful and relieved. Having also been in and out of the hospital several time over the last few weeks, I have been able to get to know the L&D nurses at the mis really well, and really like almost all of them. Some of them aren`t my favorite, but they really aren`t all that bad, and I know what to expect from them and how to deal with it. I also am way more comfortable with the mis itself, as last time it was just forced upon me, and I was taken there. It turned out to be OK, but I know a little more of what I am getting into. I`m also kind of glad that I`m already starting to dilate, as Is my Dr. She says it will only make things go faster for me and easier, which I am definitely for. I`m nervous, but I know that most of the things I will encounter I have already done once, so I can do it. And I definitely know that it will be worth it. I kind of knew that last time, but its not a feeling you can understand until you`re there. I feel this crazy love and protectiveness over him already, I can`t Imagine what it will be like when he finally comes!

But, I guess I should stop dwelling and just enjoy these last few days before he comes, even though that's almost impossible! I know there`s only a little bit of time left but it feels like forever! So bye for now, while I`m still huge and swollen, I may not get another chance to post before our new friend comes!

SSo here`s one last look at the belly, although I don`t really love this look, i like that it is true to how huge I feel! It also makes me think that I look like I am just palming a basketball under my shirt that I have just stolen!

PS. I keep having all these weird dreams and thoughts about him being a girl! I was ans am totally ready and want my little boy, but if he comes out a girl after all of this, i don`t know that I`ll DO! It makes me laugh a little just thinking about it!

Love and Babies

First of all I have to say Happy Anniversary to my little family! One year ago yesterday we were sealed together as an eternal family! Its been such a fun year and I am so grateful to know that we will be together forever! Especially that I get to be with my wonderful husband for eternity. He is so good and patient with me, I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather spend that time with. Amelia is such a fun addition to our family too, even though she is well into that 2 year old thing, if you know what I mean! And I couldn't be happier to add one more to us so soon! We love him so much already and I can't wait to see just how he'll fit in. I know he'll fill that perfect spot that's missing right now, even if I don't feel like anythings missing yet! So Happy Anniversary guys, I love you!

On to other things, which in our life right now means crazy baby things! Last Tuesday I had my doctor's appointment, as I mentioned, and it was interesting, to say the least. I had trace of protein in my urine, which until now has not been there. My blood pressure was also up, in her office it was 154/100, again much too high. I also lost 2 lbs, which I shouldn't be doing, but wasn't her biggest concern. She decided to put me on Labetelol, a blood pressure medication, and see st my NST on Friday if it was helping. She also talked about the home care program, which had been mentioned to me in the hospital a few times, but said that in her opinion it would be kind of useless as the home care nurses would likely just send me in to the hospital everyday. She also checked my cervix, and said I was a good 2cm, favorable, and soft. which I'm OK with as I didn't dilate early with Amelia at all. Every little bit helps! she also had me go in to the hospital an Tuesday night for an extra NST and blood work, as my bp was so high that day. That went well, but my week only went downhill from there. Lets just say that the Labetelol did NOT agree with my body. I had all of the possible side effects. The headache i have had for at least 2 weeks from the BP only got worse, and it made me dizzy and not able to think clearly. It also causes insomnia (on top of already not sleeping well from being this huge), itchy tingly skin, especially scalp (I was freaking out thinking I had lice or something!), and serious nausea (I couldn't eat at all). Add to that contractions every 10 mins for 3 days after my doc checked my cervix. It was a really long few days, and I was really glad when Paul came home from work every day! Well, Friday at my NST appointment all of this finally came apart, as i had been on the medication for a few days, was miserable, and my BP was still high! And they were not getting a good reading from Ben, as he wasn't having the accelerations in his heart rate that they wanted. I ended up being there for several hours and getting more tests done. My Dr decided to change the medication i was on to a new one and see how that went. She wanted me to go to the pharmacy asap, and then come back yesterday for another NST at the hospital (fell like this is a lot of time at the hospital? well, it is! the nurses all know me by name now!). Well I went back yesterday, and my blood pressure was OK, 136/88, but they were still having a hard time getting a good reading from him. Instead of the accelerations that they want he was having decelerations, which is definitely not what they want. So once again, we were there for a few hours, until they finally gave us the OK to go home. So now Its all a waiting game. I will be 37 weeks, full term, tomorrow, and I see my Dr again tomorrow. I hope she has some more answers for me. She said last week that I was definitely not going to make it to my due date, which means it will be less than 3 weeks. I just want to know what the plan is like in her mind and what this next 3 weeks holds!

And we finally got the family pictures we got done a few weeks ago back! we are pretty happy with how they turned out! Here's a little sneak peek for ya!

Blogger Dreams

OK, so I have now come to understand that really, I may never get any better at this whole blogging thing. But I have been doing a lot of blog creeping at some pretty fantastic blogs out there in the last few weeks, and I'm not gonna lie, I feel pretty inspired. To do what, I don't know, but I feel the urge to be better at this none the less. I'm definitely not a super craft woman like some blog ladies out there, although I do so love to read them. I'm pretty sure I'm not the kind of blogger to expend wonderful homemaking advice and info - I'm the one who needs it! And well, I'm not entirely sure our life is interesting enough for everyone to want to read every detail, but it does seem pretty interesting to us most days (Read:Interesting = crazy). But none the less, here is my blog, and I think the only thing I really want out of it is a few good laughs, a record of our lives as they really are, and time to think and relax and write (at least for now, until #2 comes). And who knows, maybe someday, if I can ever manage to keep it up, this will all eventually take shape into something - but I'm OK not counting on that.

So. Our lives right now. If you have been following or if you read the few posts before this one, you'll know that we have had a little boy living with us for the past year. That ended about a month ago pretty unexpectedly, but has been really good for our family. Having Austin with us put a huge strain on our family and caused a lot of unnecessary stress. He was a Difficult kid who had been dealt a pretty crappy deal, and it was hard not to feel for him and want to be able to make a difference. But, with the situation as it was, we eventually came to realize that we were not going to be the ones to do that anymore, and the situation had become toxic for our family. It was definitely a learning experience for us, but in the end brought us closer as a family, and especially helped Paul and I strengthen a marriage. There's nothing like a really trying manipulative 8 year old to teach you how to parent as a couple. It was also hard for me as the last few months I had a hard time feeling like a good parent, especially when Austin was home. I felt like I was always stressed out and upset, which was bad for me both physically (stress + pregnant = not good) and mentally. I felt like Amelia was also not getting the Mommy she deserved because I was always upset or tired or sick, which caused a pretty unhealthy cycle. But, since then, things in our home have taken a pretty fast and great turn upward. I realized very quickly after Austin left how toxic our home had become, and how it was hurting all of us. I feel like we have been able to relax almost instantly and just enjoy being the three of us before Ben comes. I was feeling for a while that Amelia had kind of gotten jiped in the time she has with us, and since we have been able to really be happier together and make some really fun memories. I have even noticed her come out of her shell a little more (not that she is shy or hiding at all) and she has grown and matured in our happier home environment enough that we can see it. I really wanted to make sure she felt secure and loved before Ben comes, and was wondering if we would have enough time, but Heavenly father made a way, and showed us what needed to happen, even if we couldn't see it. I'm so glad and grateful to know we have someone who loves us and our little family that much watching our for us. How can I not feel blessed?

Another sweet side effect of having a little more lime on my hands and a lot less stress has been more time to do things that I enjoy. This means more time for me to pretend I am the super crafty woman I mentioned earlier. There is no end to the very cute and cool things those crafty blog girls out there make, and my list just keeps getting longer and longer. I only have one complaint, and that is that I can never seem to find the cute cheap thrift store finds that they seem to find all of the time. Like I have been on the lookout for cool looking picture frames to paint for this project I'd like to attempt for Amelia's room, and i need a few. But all I can find is not so cute and really expensive! Turns out value village and goodwill are not my friend here like they ones in the states. I think we need a Deseret Industries here, too. Then maybe it would be kind to me! But this is all just in ideas for future projects, as lately I have been mostly crafting for and getting ready for our little man on the way. As surprised as I was to discover we were having a boy, I was excited to. But I have to confess I was also a little worried, as after having Amelia, EVERYTHING we have is pink! we did no gender neutral pre-baby shopping before we had her, so everything is very girly and far from OK for my little man. We have been pretty lucky and gotten lots of stuff from family, but I still wanted to make a few by things, as I did before Amelia. And now we're pretty much ready. There's still a little bit of moving around in the bedrooms to do to make room, but overall we're not doing too badly. It has been a really great outlet and has kept the last few weeks of crazy significantly more bearable for me. But I have to mention how good and patient Paul has been with me, especially when we may go for a few days without seeing the top of our dining room table! Oh how I love him! Hopefully I can get some pics up of my crafty endeavors soon!

I guess before I go I should put a little out there about this pregnancy, as It has been a pretty crazy ride so far. I went into early labor at 28 weeks, but gratefully they were able to stop it. I did get steroid shots though just in case, to help his lungs develop faster in the event that he did come anyway. Well, I am now 36 weeks, and despite contractions and a few concerns about his heart (we are happy to report, he has a great ticker! no problems!) things have gone relatively smoothly and we are pretty grateful to have made it this far. If he was born now he would most likely be perfectly normal and have no problems. and in 7 more days he will be considered full-term! YAY!! But I guess I should say smoothly until last. Currently I see Dr. Barnes (my OB-GYN) every Tuesday and have NST's (non-stress-tests) on the baby every Friday. Until last Tuesday the appointments have been pretty routine and normal. But last week I was in her office and she recorded my blood pressure at 142/100 (normal is below 140/90, for me about 125/80 or lower. So naturally she was pretty concerned and asked me to go right in to the hospital. I went and got Paul and we went in, and by then it was up to 149/100. I should also mention that i went into labor with Amelia at 36 weeks but it stopped and then again 10 days later they induced me because my blood pressure was too high and not going down. I was hovering around 150/100, and got up to 170/110+, if I remember correctly. They did a bunch of tests and it did go back down to normal range after a while, but I have not been feeling great since. I have got a never ending headache (which is strange because I never get headaches) and am dizzy and nauseous a lot of the time. I've been on semi bed rest since I was in the hospital at 28 weeks, but now it seems all I can do is lay down, as that is the only thing that relieves the pressure and dizziness. I have been back twice since then (thats 3 times in the last week) and my pressure has been back up. Last night I had Paul take me in to the Shoppers Drug Mart to check before we decided to go in, so it wasn't for nothing, and It was up to 153/107, which is not good. I haven't seen Dr. Barnes since this all started, but I'm hoping she has some more solid answers for me at my appointment tomorrow. Like what this all means, if she is going to induce me like last time, where the danger zone is, and what the heck I'm supposed to do at home in the meantime if I cannot measure my own blood pressure! Seems like all I know is that its dangerous for both me and him, and not what we are going to do to make sure we are both safe. Here's to hoping!

I guess this is getting a little long winded, and I need to go and rescue my little girl from her bed. Hopefully I will have more info to post tomorrow!

2 Years Already!

So I just wanted to put out there how much I love my hubby! We had our 2nd anniversary yesterday, and it was great. He is such a wonderful husband and father. He is thoughtful and loving, and puts up with my craziness. He is a worthy priesthood holder in our home, which means the world to me. He is a hard worker, and does everything he can to support our family. He can play and be silly with us at the right moment and still be supporting and loving at others. He is so important to me, and I am so extremely grateful for him and to be able to be with him for eternity!
My dearest-I Love You To The Moon And Back!

Fun Family Times

So I just wanted to tell you quick about our fun weekend! On Friday night We were able to go to the water park as a family. We have been wanting to go for a while, but as you probably know, it costs a small fortune to even walk in the door of that place, let alone anything else! We were able to go, as it was a fundraiser night and one of the school in Edmonton had rented it out and was selling tickets at the door for $10 a person. That meant that our night cost us $30 instead of $85! We did have to pay for a locker-which by the way costs an extraordinary amount at $7, but that's beside the point! Austin had a blast at their new splash park in the back and other than going on one slide with Paul he played there the whole time! Amelia also had fun and was all go go go, before we even got in. She was taking off her own clothes in the changing room and tried to put on her swim suit, but at 15 mos that it a little much! she practically ran-for a girl who barely walks-all the way out into the water. It was pretty fun to watch her, since she just started walking and has never walked in water. Her steps were way too far and exaggerated, throwing her off balance most of the time. I do wish that their toddler pool was a little better-it was too deep(up to her armpits) and she is even tall for her age. Smaller kids have to be held or play somewhere else, but there is no where. but she was content to play in the shallows of the big wave pool. We invited my sister and her husband to come, so Paul and I were able to go on a few slides and the tube ride together, which was super fun. I always love our time together, even if it is only 5 minutes and spent waiting in line or screaming our way down two different crazy slides!
Anyway, Saturday morning Austin had a soccer game and his team won 13 to 5, and then we went out to spend some time with Paul's brother Dave and his family, which was fun, albeit completely crazy. They have three foster kids under three at their house plus their 4 kids and our two. Count 'em up and you've got yourself 9 kids under 13. But we still had fun visiting and wrangling! Saturday night on the way home we decided to go and see the new Christmas Carol movie-which was awesome! The 3D effects are great and the movie was also really good. It was not what I was expecting, it was definitely more serious and had a few scary moments, but had some really funny stuff, too. We definitely recommend it. Sunday we had stake Conference, which we really enjoyed between the dirty diapers, questions from Austin, and other screaming kids. The last night we had some friends of ours-Travis & Robin come over for dinner. we ate and played for a while, again amongst the diapers and hovering! Hopefully they didn't mind too much!! Its always really fun to spend time with them and it was a great way to end our weekend. We watched a few episodes of our new obsession-BONES! and went to bed. Nothing really out there happened, but it was just a good few days for our little family!
This week is Paul's last week of school, which is really great. He will be a journeyman after this week, and I am so proud of him! Even though he will very likely not read this-I love you babe!

One for Me

OK, I've decided to dedicate this post entirely to myself and all of the many things going on inside me. DON'T feel like you even have to keep reading! I will never even know! Oh the wonder if the Internet!
So, I feel a little bit these days as if time is just slipping through my fingers. My baby girl is growing up so fast. she can do all sorts of new things, many of which we haven't even taught her to do. She is becoming this fun little girl, and I stress Girl, not baby anymore. I love her to death. I will admit though, some days she drives me batty!
But- this post is not about her, I will tell you more about her soon.
I'm also feeling, well, to be honest, a little disappointed in myself since having Amelia. Disappointed that I didn't get my body back to they way it was, or even something that I am happy with. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate myself, I just know I could have done better. I find it hard to always feel like I am surrounded by these moms, especially ones in my ward, who still look great, even though they have kids. I guess I should NOT look at other people, right? But I'm not going to lie and say that all is well, when really I'm not loving how it is. I'm trying to pray harder and ask My heavenly father for help, love, and support, but this one might take a little longer. Maybe this may seem silly and meaningless to some out there, if anyone is actually reading this, but I made a promise to myself, and feel like If I am honest about everything, and own up to it, then maybe I will feel like I am further down the road. But don't dwell on it, right?
That means, on to something else.
I'm also learning, still, that having a 7 year old in our home is HARD! A good portion of the difficulty is dealing with Austin's dad. Sometimes I just get so upset with him. Some days it doesn't seem at all like he is even trying to get into a situation where he can take Austin back to live with him. How can you never see your son, by your own choice, and then when you do have him, ignore him, and not take care of him. I find it hard not to be upset when he goes to his dad's house for a few days. I pack him a suitcase with all of his clothes, his toothbrush and toothpaste, his shampoo to have a shower, I make sure he has absolutely everything. But I have a really hard time when he comes home wearing the clothes I sent him in, and everything in his suitcase is clean. He stinks and everything wreaks of smoke. Austin reports that he has either spent the weekend watching TV with a babysitter or possibly with his dad. If you want to be a dad so bad, like you say, maybe the first thing to do is take care of him and show him that you love him when he is with you. It also makes our job harder the longer he is with his dad, because Austin comes home very depressed and angry because he feels like he is being left and he wants to stay with his dad. I don't blame him. I often felt like my dad didn't care enough about me as a kid. It just means that I have a terrible week ahead of me. And on top of all of that, Austin has started lying to us, about dumb things, but lying to our faces, when we already know the truth. This is a totally new one to us, and we'll have to figure out a way to kick that habit right outta the door. Its also frustrating when his dad doesn't pay what he owes. We were supposed to be paid for all of the extra stuff from the summer in September, but so far that has not happened. After much hassling he usually does pay at the beginning of the month, but not always the first. I puts us in a tough situation. Austin has been in our home for a while and is a part of our family. I just wish his Dad wasn't making things so difficult.
So, I guess whats next is the two kids that I watch 3 days a week. they come about 7 in the morning, which is EARLY, but I have to have Austin up at 7 to catch the bus at 7:30, so I've got to get up anyway. What can I say about them. Well, they are a lively pair. They are brother and sister, and are 1 and 2 respectively. Their mom went back to work and they are in our ward. Having 3 kids under 2 at once is pretty overwhelming some days. It is especially hard when Rowan, who is one, is so uncommunicative. I am used to my chatty baby, who can tell me what she wants at any given time. all he does is follow me and whine. Rayven, 2, is pretty good, although she is allergic to dairy and eggs, including baked goods that contain either of those things. So that has thrown a curve ball into my lunch and snack making. You would be surprised how many things that actually cuts out! It does have its advantages, they do keep Amelia pretty busy and occupied, as when they are not at our house she can be a little stinker some days. I do love having my alone days with her though. It has also been nice to have a little bit more money coming in while Paul has been in school the past few weeks.
Let's see, what else do I have going on in this old brain of mine...
Paul has been in school for the past few weeks, and is doing very well, but his classes start at 7:15 in the morning. They happen to end early at 2:15, which is a nice break for him. But I am a little bit frustrated at his work. They are pretty backed up with work, and have convinced him to go to work after school until 5:30. This is hard for me, because that means that he has an even longer day. It also is hard, because according to the government, he is not working for them while he is in school. and they do not know about this. so apparently they are banking the hours for a later date. Paul is doing this all so we don't fall too far behind and to make more money, but if he isn't getting paid while he is in school, it seems a little strange to me. Like they are benefiting much more from it than he is. Especially because if EI found out, who give us 800 every 2 weeks, we could be in big trouble. I know they need him, but I just wish it seemed a little more worth it to me.
I am also in the primary presidency in our ward, and am having a really hard time with it. I don't feel like a part of our presidency, as everyone else is friends and get together outside of primary, and plan things and just exclude me. I feel like whenever I have a question or concern that I bring to our president she refers me to the stake primary presidency, which is her job. I am over the scouts and activity days, which is fine, but the other councillor is in charge of activities and the primary presentation, and everything else. Which means that I have no part in planning or input in anything, which I feel like I am kind of good at. I am also sent to meeting and things that i shouldn't have top go to. scouts group committee meeting should be our wards scout leaders who should report to me and I can take it to our presidency meetings. The president and I are also supposed to go to woodbadge training (which I think is silly, since I don't go to activities, and am not a leader, but whatever). then this last Sunday We found out that our ward's Super Saturday is on the same day, which sucks, but I thought, well we both have to go so oh well. But that night I got an email telling me that since I was going, she wasn't going to and that she would do it some other time. That made me really upset, because I feel like it was supposed to be everyone and its apparently optional for her, but not for me. I guess I'm just frustrated and feel like I am not being used effectively and that I have things to give too, and not just in meetings that I don't need to be there and just sit and wonder why I am even there.
Anyone who is still reading this must think that I am totally crazy, but really I'm not! There are some good things going on in me too!
The people who were renting the upstairs in our house totally left on their lease and moved in the middle of the night. So, needless to say that left our landlords high and dry, but left us in a good place, as we get to move upstairs as soon as it is ready. It needs to be painted and cleaned thoroughly, cause they were obviously not very clean people. But we are pretty excited. It will be good to have more space. I actually get a dishwasher, for the first time in our marriage, and it has a lot more space. It will make my life easier when I have the other 2 kids, as it will be a lot more space, and I won't be trapped in one small room with all three of them. We also get to have the garage, which makes Paul a very happy guy. We are very excited and can't wait to move up there.
We have also planned a trip to salt lake city this Christmas. We plan to leave on boxing day, and stay until the 3rd. It will be our first real vacation as a family, just the three of us. I am SO excited! It is helping me keep my sanity some days just to think that a lot of the work and craziness right now is so that we can go. I just hope December comes soon!
I also can't wait until Christmas, just to see the kids with their gifts. Among other things we got Amelia this really fun play kitchen and dishes set, and I have been working really hard making her lots of felt food to go with it. Last week I also got a pattern and some fabric and made her a really cute apron to go with it. We also got Austin a few small things that we are pretty excited for. We don't know what will happen over Christmas, but we're pretty sure his Dad will want to have him. Well, really he doesn't have a choice, since we are going across the border right after Christmas and we can't ( and won't) take Austin across.
I think that if there is still anyone reading this NOW, that you have a really good glimpse into our lives. It may seem like I complain a lot, but you should also know how grateful I am to my Heavenly Father for all of the blessings in my life. For my beautiful little girl and her sweet personality. For her kisses ALL day long and the pure love she shows me. For a wonderful, loving and hard-working husband who does everything he can for our family. For his patience and sweetness with me. For his help and understanding after a long day. I love them both, and am so grateful that we are now an eternal family.

OK, so this past few weeks has been insane in our family. First of all, Our baby is ONE!! She is such a blessing to us and a joy in our lives. It was really fun to look back at this past year. I can't believe how much we have all changed! She is such a fun and sweet little girl. She can definitely have her crabby days (and believe me, she does) but for the most part she is fun and cute and always ready with a hug and a kiss. She is so very close to walking it's scary, and just a week ago she got her third tooth...on the bottom. yes, thats right, she is so not one to follow the norm, and somehow convinced her teeth that more on the bottom would be better than any on the top. So here we are, top: 0 bottom: 3. Also taking up most of our lives this past month has been my sister's wedding. She and Rob got married on the 29th, and it was great. Although, Paul might tell you that my mom and I were way more involved than my sister. She is just one who cannot see it all in her head, and so, made absolutely no decisions about anything and got upset and overwhelmed when asked. So things were left up to us, and it was very last minute. It made for a crazy time, since many things were done by just the two of us. Oh well, its done now, so we can all breathe a big sigh of relief. They had a wonderful day, and are now on the road to new things ahead.
This past weekend Meghan and Rob also had an open house up in Grande Prairie where my parents live, so we all packed up and headed there for the weekend. It was a lot of fun, especially for Amelia since she get all of the attention and spoiling! it was kind of too bad though that 4 people other than our family actually showed up, but we had fun and ate a TON of food! There is still so much left over from the wedding it's unbelieveable.
Amongst all of this has been the craziness of our life too. We still have Austin, at least for a little while. He started school last week, and I con't tell you how much easier it has made my life. It really feels like a treat to get some things done at home in peace and quiet, and to spend some time one on one with Amelia. I have been feeling a little guilty lately that she doesn't get a lot of my attention, since Austin is so demanding and overwhelming. He is also very jealous of her, since she is our daughter, and feels like we like her better and pay more attention to her, and give her more things. When in reality, it is the other way around. He demands all of our time and attention when he is around, and we have to get him all kinds of things, since he has nothing, but really most of them are not as fun for him I suppose. I can understand a little where he is coming from, though. He has been ditched by and left by everyone he loves and trusts. He knows and understands that his dad is working, but feels only like his dad doesn't want him or want him around even. We talked a lot in primary this month about families and being a forever family, and he felt very out of place. We have tried to talk to him and tell him that he is a part of our family right now, but it's hard for him to understand that being part of our family for a little while doesn't mean that he isn't a part of his dad's family anymore. He has been very nervous lately to start school. I think it is largely due to the fact that he doesn't deal well with new situations, and he didn't know what to expect. He was also so tossed around last year, and missed so much of last year, that it wasn't a good year for him. Hopefully things won't be so difficult for the next little while. But Iwe still don't know how long that will be. I had said to his Dad that I didn't feel comfortable starting september with Austin without a new contract. We had signed an initial contract with him in April when Austin came to our house that was good up until the end of August. He had said several times that he would meet with us again, but has completely blown us off every time. It has been really frustrating for us. There are things we need to talk about with him, and so far none of them have been addressed. It's especially tough for me, because I feel like this has been like a job for me, and I have no schedule and my paychecks are never on time. But at the same time I know that being with us right now is the best possible situation for Austin. I have prayed and thought about it a lot lately. It feels often like I have had enough, and like I want to be finished, but I always get the impression that we are not done yet, we still have things to teach him, and he is still benefitting from this. Not every day is tough, but there are those days. I just feel like I'm not asking for a lot from his Dad, when we are doing so much for him. I just want some sort of plan. I want to have the money that he owes us. I want him to understand that Austin has emotional issues, and possibly other things going on, and that getting help for him is not putting a label on him or a bad thing. Don;t mind my rant, I just wish he would listen and not interrupt long enough for me to say these things to him. maybe thats why I feel like it is so important to sit down with him. Maybe I think that he just might listen if he were right in front of me. Well, we'll just have to wait and see. I'm just not sure how long I'm willing to wait.
In between all of these things, Paul was released from his calling as our ward PFR (physical facilities rep), and called as the sunday school teacher in our ward. He is pretty nervous still, but is getting more and more confident all of the time. I just wish I could be in sunday school once in a while to hear him teach. Primary is still as crazy as usual, and hopefully things will settle down enough that I can dedicate a little more time to my calling.
Thus, here we are now, and hopefully I'll actually have more time to myself and will update more often!