One for Me

OK, I've decided to dedicate this post entirely to myself and all of the many things going on inside me. DON'T feel like you even have to keep reading! I will never even know! Oh the wonder if the Internet!
So, I feel a little bit these days as if time is just slipping through my fingers. My baby girl is growing up so fast. she can do all sorts of new things, many of which we haven't even taught her to do. She is becoming this fun little girl, and I stress Girl, not baby anymore. I love her to death. I will admit though, some days she drives me batty!
But- this post is not about her, I will tell you more about her soon.
I'm also feeling, well, to be honest, a little disappointed in myself since having Amelia. Disappointed that I didn't get my body back to they way it was, or even something that I am happy with. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate myself, I just know I could have done better. I find it hard to always feel like I am surrounded by these moms, especially ones in my ward, who still look great, even though they have kids. I guess I should NOT look at other people, right? But I'm not going to lie and say that all is well, when really I'm not loving how it is. I'm trying to pray harder and ask My heavenly father for help, love, and support, but this one might take a little longer. Maybe this may seem silly and meaningless to some out there, if anyone is actually reading this, but I made a promise to myself, and feel like If I am honest about everything, and own up to it, then maybe I will feel like I am further down the road. But don't dwell on it, right?
That means, on to something else.
I'm also learning, still, that having a 7 year old in our home is HARD! A good portion of the difficulty is dealing with Austin's dad. Sometimes I just get so upset with him. Some days it doesn't seem at all like he is even trying to get into a situation where he can take Austin back to live with him. How can you never see your son, by your own choice, and then when you do have him, ignore him, and not take care of him. I find it hard not to be upset when he goes to his dad's house for a few days. I pack him a suitcase with all of his clothes, his toothbrush and toothpaste, his shampoo to have a shower, I make sure he has absolutely everything. But I have a really hard time when he comes home wearing the clothes I sent him in, and everything in his suitcase is clean. He stinks and everything wreaks of smoke. Austin reports that he has either spent the weekend watching TV with a babysitter or possibly with his dad. If you want to be a dad so bad, like you say, maybe the first thing to do is take care of him and show him that you love him when he is with you. It also makes our job harder the longer he is with his dad, because Austin comes home very depressed and angry because he feels like he is being left and he wants to stay with his dad. I don't blame him. I often felt like my dad didn't care enough about me as a kid. It just means that I have a terrible week ahead of me. And on top of all of that, Austin has started lying to us, about dumb things, but lying to our faces, when we already know the truth. This is a totally new one to us, and we'll have to figure out a way to kick that habit right outta the door. Its also frustrating when his dad doesn't pay what he owes. We were supposed to be paid for all of the extra stuff from the summer in September, but so far that has not happened. After much hassling he usually does pay at the beginning of the month, but not always the first. I puts us in a tough situation. Austin has been in our home for a while and is a part of our family. I just wish his Dad wasn't making things so difficult.
So, I guess whats next is the two kids that I watch 3 days a week. they come about 7 in the morning, which is EARLY, but I have to have Austin up at 7 to catch the bus at 7:30, so I've got to get up anyway. What can I say about them. Well, they are a lively pair. They are brother and sister, and are 1 and 2 respectively. Their mom went back to work and they are in our ward. Having 3 kids under 2 at once is pretty overwhelming some days. It is especially hard when Rowan, who is one, is so uncommunicative. I am used to my chatty baby, who can tell me what she wants at any given time. all he does is follow me and whine. Rayven, 2, is pretty good, although she is allergic to dairy and eggs, including baked goods that contain either of those things. So that has thrown a curve ball into my lunch and snack making. You would be surprised how many things that actually cuts out! It does have its advantages, they do keep Amelia pretty busy and occupied, as when they are not at our house she can be a little stinker some days. I do love having my alone days with her though. It has also been nice to have a little bit more money coming in while Paul has been in school the past few weeks.
Let's see, what else do I have going on in this old brain of mine...
Paul has been in school for the past few weeks, and is doing very well, but his classes start at 7:15 in the morning. They happen to end early at 2:15, which is a nice break for him. But I am a little bit frustrated at his work. They are pretty backed up with work, and have convinced him to go to work after school until 5:30. This is hard for me, because that means that he has an even longer day. It also is hard, because according to the government, he is not working for them while he is in school. and they do not know about this. so apparently they are banking the hours for a later date. Paul is doing this all so we don't fall too far behind and to make more money, but if he isn't getting paid while he is in school, it seems a little strange to me. Like they are benefiting much more from it than he is. Especially because if EI found out, who give us 800 every 2 weeks, we could be in big trouble. I know they need him, but I just wish it seemed a little more worth it to me.
I am also in the primary presidency in our ward, and am having a really hard time with it. I don't feel like a part of our presidency, as everyone else is friends and get together outside of primary, and plan things and just exclude me. I feel like whenever I have a question or concern that I bring to our president she refers me to the stake primary presidency, which is her job. I am over the scouts and activity days, which is fine, but the other councillor is in charge of activities and the primary presentation, and everything else. Which means that I have no part in planning or input in anything, which I feel like I am kind of good at. I am also sent to meeting and things that i shouldn't have top go to. scouts group committee meeting should be our wards scout leaders who should report to me and I can take it to our presidency meetings. The president and I are also supposed to go to woodbadge training (which I think is silly, since I don't go to activities, and am not a leader, but whatever). then this last Sunday We found out that our ward's Super Saturday is on the same day, which sucks, but I thought, well we both have to go so oh well. But that night I got an email telling me that since I was going, she wasn't going to and that she would do it some other time. That made me really upset, because I feel like it was supposed to be everyone and its apparently optional for her, but not for me. I guess I'm just frustrated and feel like I am not being used effectively and that I have things to give too, and not just in meetings that I don't need to be there and just sit and wonder why I am even there.
Anyone who is still reading this must think that I am totally crazy, but really I'm not! There are some good things going on in me too!
The people who were renting the upstairs in our house totally left on their lease and moved in the middle of the night. So, needless to say that left our landlords high and dry, but left us in a good place, as we get to move upstairs as soon as it is ready. It needs to be painted and cleaned thoroughly, cause they were obviously not very clean people. But we are pretty excited. It will be good to have more space. I actually get a dishwasher, for the first time in our marriage, and it has a lot more space. It will make my life easier when I have the other 2 kids, as it will be a lot more space, and I won't be trapped in one small room with all three of them. We also get to have the garage, which makes Paul a very happy guy. We are very excited and can't wait to move up there.
We have also planned a trip to salt lake city this Christmas. We plan to leave on boxing day, and stay until the 3rd. It will be our first real vacation as a family, just the three of us. I am SO excited! It is helping me keep my sanity some days just to think that a lot of the work and craziness right now is so that we can go. I just hope December comes soon!
I also can't wait until Christmas, just to see the kids with their gifts. Among other things we got Amelia this really fun play kitchen and dishes set, and I have been working really hard making her lots of felt food to go with it. Last week I also got a pattern and some fabric and made her a really cute apron to go with it. We also got Austin a few small things that we are pretty excited for. We don't know what will happen over Christmas, but we're pretty sure his Dad will want to have him. Well, really he doesn't have a choice, since we are going across the border right after Christmas and we can't ( and won't) take Austin across.
I think that if there is still anyone reading this NOW, that you have a really good glimpse into our lives. It may seem like I complain a lot, but you should also know how grateful I am to my Heavenly Father for all of the blessings in my life. For my beautiful little girl and her sweet personality. For her kisses ALL day long and the pure love she shows me. For a wonderful, loving and hard-working husband who does everything he can for our family. For his patience and sweetness with me. For his help and understanding after a long day. I love them both, and am so grateful that we are now an eternal family.